And so I've started blogging again. Not that my life is of particular interest to anyone out there, and if anyone is reading this, for all intents and purposes, this is to track the progress, the crescendos and diminuendos of my own personality. I guess this is because I want insight, or perhaps, I want insight as to whether I want insight. However, if you enjoy reading this, or you have any slight intrigue into what I have to say, you may continue reading. Tomorrow is Halloween, I have a costume; I'm essentially a Victorian pimp with a top hat and a cane, but really I have no party to go to, tonight or tomorrow. I suppose I could go to some random event at the union under the guise that it might be superficially fun, but there's always the money issue. Cheap drinks? I could drink pints; pints are always cheap but for some reason my medication makes me throw up after about 2 of them. Despite this, it can be worth it: to carry on drinking after a fine bit of emesis creates a kind of psychoactive haze through the teary eyes and allows me to consume anything I want with ease, up until a certain point, the 'second' flashpoint where I'll throw up again, so it's all a matter of timing really. Tomorrow is also the Imogen Heap concert at the Warwick Arts Centre. I'm, in some ways, revising for the concert by going through her new album and some of her classics, because I like to be able to sing along, or at least mouth the words in the wall of noise. Never really seen a concert at Butterworth Hall before, so I don't know how loud it'll be. Apparently she sometimes does a cover of Michael Jackson's Thriller.. that'd be appropriate for Halloween I guess, so that would be fascinating to see.
Introductions, introductions.. what else is going on in my life? I'm in my final year of University. At this point I am highly disillusioned with Warwick, mainly due to their refusal to let me retake an exam that I did badly in because I missed the classes for it due to depression. I'm currently collecting all the medical evidence I can so I can write an appeal for the degree awards board at the end of the year in the hopes that they don't automatically downgrade my degree class. In conjunction with this I need to score at least an average of 57% across the board, which at the moment is looking reasonably possible, because I've been attending all my classes and already at this point have a better idea of the shape and format of my modules than I did by May last year. I seem to see the world through two tones of glasses. Optimism and pessimism, I guess you could say, but taken a little further. When I'm in the optimistic mood I will ignore having to wait at the traffic lights to cross the road and ignore the fact that the lid for my bottle of milk has fallen on the floor. However, when I'm in a pessimistic mood I will take that lid falling on the floor as just another thing going wrong and attribute to it some kind of twisted significance in the general scheme of depressing things. You may be pleased to hear I'm currently in the optimistic mindset. Yeah, mindset I guess is the word, rather than mood.
It's reading week after next week, so I'll be back home in Manchester in 7 days, which is, for all intents and purposes, a massive relief. Warwick has become so claustrophobic; it seems to be worse when you don't have the money to go out and get away from the place. And even when you do get away from the place, you're still in the bubble. You're at Terrace Bar and you're very aware of how small the room is, that you're just sitting in this room consuming psychoactive drugs in the form of Jagermeister and Jack Daniels. And you know when you leave that small room, with a head full of enactogenic depressants, you've got to go back and sit in your room where you have two choices; mind-numbing preparation for seminars where the research you'll have done gets dwarfed and melted into insignificance by the tutors' wild tangents and, as opposed to what they tell you at A level, completely not answering the question. Or you can sit down and go on BBC iPlayer, assuming there's stuff you've not seen before, which there usually isn't, or listen to music through uncomfortable headphones because the guy next door who can't even speak English properly tells you your volume is 'too much music man'. I'd really like to smash his face in with a brick. So what's left to do? What cause is left? I realise I sound very depressed writing this but I'm not. At present, I am not depressed. I think being happy, or at least my 'being happy' is seeing all of these things I'm talking about and not letting them get to me. There are some moments, sometimes fleeting seconds of despair about the whole situation, but they pass, you've really just got to let them pass.
So I don't really know how to wrap this up. I suppose there isn't really a right or wrong method. I'm drinking coffee, thinking about going getting a bottle of wine in a minute and some food that can go in the fridge, since the freezer's gone a bit wrong and melted everything I have. Imogen Heap's resonating through my earphones and the sun is glinting through the gaps in the leaves of the tree outside my flat, blinding me slightly. It's generally just another day in a life of living day to day.
Peace out.
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