Back again. I'm currently drinking Beck's beer, 275ml @ 5% ABV. I'm on my sixth bottle and it's all rather.. mediocre. I'm watching QI but for some reason instead of intriguing me as usual it's boring me. I kind of just want to go to bed but I know I won't sleep. I won't sleep for at least 5 hours yet. I've had problems with sleeping recently. Unless I take 7.5mg of Zopiclone alongside at least 6mg of Diazepam I sleep terribly. It takes me at least an hour to actually fall asleep. I know when I'm actually falling asleep because my head makes random jerking movements in the two to three minutes before the transition between hypnagogia and unconsciousness occurs. During the sleeping hours, the main sleeping hours, that is to say, the first eight or so hours, I have no problem sleeping. But staying asleep has always been my problem, and I always wake up with dread. This morning, for example, at about 10:30am, I was not ready to get out of bed. I intended to stay in bed, but my consciousness was so lavishly perky that it decided to attack me with a tirade of things that 'were wrong' with my life, even though nothing was wrong. I remember thinking, I remember I had to keep reminding myself 'nothing is wrong, so you can sleep for an hour more, nothing is wrong, there are no problems to keep you awake', but it didn't work. So I lay in bed for an hour, until roughly 11:30am, in a state of hypnopompia and ethereal hallucinations and negative fantasies, and eventually got out of bed. And so I get out of bed, feeling like I've had 3 hours of sleep at best.
I go outside for a cigarette, a cigarette that I can only smoke half of because my body isn't used to the nicotine and partially because my brain hasn't completely switched on yet. Dizzily, I try to make coffee and drink it, all this time waiting for that moment where I can smoke a full cigarette, something that actually doesn't happen during the day and the evening because I can't be bothered smoking a full one during that time. I don't know what's going on. I need to quit smoking. I need a Doctor to prescribe me Champix but the various GPs that I've been under the care of have no idea or no care of how to communicate with each other, so I'm not quitting. I want to quit, I want out of this prison, but the doctors are useless. They refer you to support groups or bizarre carbon monoxide tests... seriously, just prescribe me the nicitinoid-receptor antagonist medication and I'll do it on my own. But no, they want to pretend to be so involved, some kind of sick self-gratification that somehow validates the fact they've got unusual letters after their name and their twisted view of the Hippocratic Oath. There are so many problems with everything that is going on medically. You can easily get medications or drugs for conditions you don't have, and by the same token it is impossible to get ahold of medications that you actually need, for real, existing conditions. How do people live in this society?
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